I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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