Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
