How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
