Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
