John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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