Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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