you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
