I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
