The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
