I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
