Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
