Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
