i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
