So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
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She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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