She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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a search helicopter?!
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
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I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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