there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
