It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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