My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just invented taco cereal.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
