Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
