She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport