just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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