Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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