I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
