I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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