census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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