I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
