when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
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