any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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