just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
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I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
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Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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