I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Watching her eat just hurts me
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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