Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.