I wish I could punch you in the face.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps