This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough