I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
ok first of all what the fuck
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
