I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
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Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
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Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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