I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
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You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
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I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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