Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
