I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
