it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
