I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
even my farts smell like vagina
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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