you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
