My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
