I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
