Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
