I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
