I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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