Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
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mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
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Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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