the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
