Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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