first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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