I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
