I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
