Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My ATM looks so different sober.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
