Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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