Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
