Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dicks are not precious.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize