Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
