Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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