i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
